The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman and Silver

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Book Review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

If you can’t tell, I’m on a bit of a self-help kick. My children are getting older, three of them have graduated from high school, and I want to help prepare them for adulthood and, someday, marriage. I am trying to find the best (and most helpful) books to give them to hopefully set them up for success. Of course, that means I need to read them first! The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver has some great advice for creating a happy marriage.

Blurb:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.

Packed with new exercises and the latest research out of the esteemed Gottman Institute, this revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

My Book Review:

There are so many things I did not know going into marriage that would have been so helpful to know starting out. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work teaches many of them. Seriously. The first edition of this book came out in 1999. I got married in 1998, and I wish I would have known about this book at the time. We’re still happily married, so I think we’re doing ok without reading it, but knowing these principles could have made some things much easier.

I’ve only read one other Gottman book, which I will review later on, but it starts out in much the same way as this one does. It begins by explaining what the Gottman Love Lab is and how they use the lab to gather data. They use this data to predict whether a marriage is more likely to succeed or fail. Over the years they have analyzed the data and come up with seven principles they have learned to be foundational for a happy marriage.

I will not be going through all seven principles, you’ll need to read the book for that, but I will explain a couple of them. Principle #3 is Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. I really like this principle and have found it helpful in my marriage. You want lots of small moments of connecting throughout the day. When your husband or wife makes a “bid” for your attention, do you turn toward him or her, or do you turn away? For example, if your husband or wife asks for a back rub, do you happily give the back rub or do you say no?

Principle #4 is Let Your Partner Influence You. Do you allow your partner to influence you? Gottman says, “…men who allowed their wives to influence them had happier relationships and were less likely to eventually divorce than men who resisted their wives’ influence.” This goes both ways, of course. Sharing decision making, searching for common ground, and responding with decreasing negativity all make for a happier marriage.

Principle #7 is Create Shared Meaning. If you feel like you’re stuck in raising kids and doing chores mode, “What may be missing is a deeper sense of shared meaning.” Do you have your own family culture with shared symbols, customs, and rituals? Can you find a way to honor each other’s goals and dreams even if you don’t necessarily have the same ones? Are you open to each other’s perspectives on differing views? Can you speak honestly and openly about the things you believe?

These are only three of the seven principles for making marriage work, but aren’t they so good? The book is well researched and written. Each chapter has activities, quizzes, or exercises you can do as a couple to help you work through and understand each principle. I did not do any of them, but I did read through them, and I thought they seemed helpful.

As I previously stated, I’ve been married for just about 27 years (we’re about three weeks shy at the time I’m writing this). For me, now, I found the principles helpful, but lessons I’ve already learned. I think this would be excellent for engaged or newlywed couples to read. If you’re struggling in your marriage then this book would also be helpful for you. I will be adding The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to the list of books I want to give my children before they get married. To search for more books I’ll be adding, search “Marriage Prep” in my search bar.

Click HERE to watch my video book review of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver.

Content Rating: PG-13+

Profanity: None
Intimacy: Moderate (It’s marriage advice so intimacy is brought up and discussed. It’s not the main theme but is sprinkled in here and there.)
Violence: None